ergh

I don't feel like I have any motivation to lose this weight. I have no money to join a gym but that could change after we sell our house. I want to be healthy for my kids sake. I want to be around a long time for my husband. You would think I have every reason in the world to lose the 60ish pounds I need to lose.
I hate shopping because nothing fits. Try going with all of your skinny friends that think they need to lose weight.
It is to the point though that I really need a new pair of jeans. 2 of my favorite pairs have holes where the sun don't shine. I only have 1 pair left and they are not stretchy. grr.

Motivation......
I want to be thin and healthy. Do I want that because society makes me feel bad about myself? Do I care too much about what others think?

I want to be a good example for my kids. I know I need to show them good eating habits and not the cruddy ones I have.

I want to feel good about myself for my husband. I know he loves me no matter what but I want him to be proud of me too.

I feel like I have started every diet under the sun. The motivation lasts for about 3 days and something comes up to make me quit. I have a good friend who is doing great. Why can't I keep up the pace like she is?

ergh....

A new day

Well, yesterday I managed to stuff my face with everything in sight including but not limited to Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream, chocolate kissables, and chips.

Today is a new day though. I have been trying to keep track of points. So, I had:

An apple 1 pt
10 jelly bellys 1.5 points
salad with grilled chicken and balsamic vinaigrette dressing 6 points
M&Ms and kissables 2 points (1 small bag of m&ms divided between 6 people)
1 tortilla 3 points
93/7 ground beef 3 points
cheese 3 points
5 chips 3 points
1 WW fudge bar 1 points
So, I have had 23.5 points today. Yeah!

I am a liar

I lie to myself and to others on a regular basis when it comes to food. Even worse I don't even feel bad about it....at least I didn't until I saw that video.

If I am counting points I don't write them all down. If I am counting calories I count fewer than I eat.

I eat stuff when no one is around so I can eat more. I don't feel like I am binging . I consider myself more of a grazer but now that I looked at that website maybe I am binging.

Ugh. One of my girlfriends at Life Group said "I don't eat a whole box of truffles because I know there will be consequences for that." We were discussing addictions and habits after the sermon last week. I have had a mindset for a long time that if I deny myself I will just eat the whole thing so why not indulge. The problem is I don't stop. I do eat the entire box of truffles because they are there and because I like the taste. They don't make me feel full, they don't make me feel sick. It is the same with Klondike Pretzel ice cream bars. I will eat 3 of them because I like the way they taste.

It has to stop. I have seen people lose a whole bunch of weight just to gain back more. I have lost a few pounds here and there but have pretty consistently kept gaining weight. I have been checked for thyroid issues and all of that. It doesn't seem to be medical. Of course the Dr we have gone to makes me feel like I am an idiot every time I am in there.

I saw something about a woman today that had lost over 100 pounds and people don't even recognize her anymore. To be a "healthy weight" I need to lose at least 65 pounds. It seems like such a hard road. I feel like I need to just cut out anything that tastes good and just eat lettuce. Yuck. It frustrates me to think about going on a diet or a "change of lifestyle" because apparently I have an unhealthy love affair with food. It makes me feel good. I love chocolate. I think there have been weeks when I have subsisted on chocolate and ice cream.

I read all the tricks like take a walk if you are tempted to cheat, drink a glass of water..you're probably thirsty, go scrapbook for awhile.

I feel like I have been in such a state of chaos for so long I don't know how to get out of it. We are trying to get our house ready to sell. That alone is stressing me out. It doesn't matter I still need to keep my head above water trying to clean the house and cook dinner. Those are normal things.

Small changes....another thing people say to do....
1. get rid of all the junk food
2. exercise at least 10 minutes a day
3. drink at least 8 glasses of water a day
4. tell a friend how I am doing
5. track every bite that goes in my mouth.


If anyone is reading this please feel free to comment. Any suggestions are welcome...

I just realized how fat I really am

Yeah, so last night we had a game night at our lifegroup. One of the guys was doing a video of the game. I just realized how completely fat I really am. I couldn't believe my eyes! I didn't look that fat in the mirror at my house! How can I look that fat on the video? I am at least twice the size of all of the other girls that were there if not more! Ahhhhhhhh

Ok, back on the diet today!