Why?

I have to wonder why it is so difficult for me to lose weight. I have seen others do great just to gain it back. I have been uncomfortable with my weight since 4th grade when a little girl looked at me and said "Do you consider yourself fat, cuz I do!" Of course at the time I was already wearing a bra and she was a flat little pancake. I wonder if there was a little bit of jealousy there that she wasn't getting boobs. But, it stayed with me.

My Jr. year of high school is when I really started to plump up. We had moved, had a lot of other things going on in our lives, my boyfriend from my first high school said he showed my picture to a fried who said I was really fat. I will admit, it wasn't the most flattering picture around.

The first time I remember losing a bunch of weight I had hit 173. I started working at Gitano Factory Outlet store and was moving all of the time. I didn't do anything and lost at least 20 pounds. Then I discovered I could walk down to the food court and buy cookies.

When I started college I was a healthy 145 and a size 9. Of course my roommates were about a size 2...maybe a 6. One of them made a very hurtful comment about my weight and that has stuck with me too. She probably doesn't even remember doing it. Freshman year I walked everywhere. The cafe was not really an issue for me but then I started working at Burger King again. But, because I walked everywhere I don't remember gaining too much weight that year. Also, I lived in Yosemite the summer after Freshman year and hiked every weekend. This could be where some of my serious problem started.
My friends and I would hike 18 miles, have minimum food for the day, go to the general store and each get a pint of Ben and Jerrys. We would sit in a wide open field, rest and enjoy eating the entire pint. It wasn't just me! Our entire group was doing this together. But, We were active all the time.
When I came back to school I was in fantastic shape but still weighed in the 140 range and was still a size 9. I was still walking everywhere as I didn't have a car BUT I started dating Bobby. We went out to eat a lot and this is where I really started gaining. We were both busy with school, I was not nearly as active as I had been and when we got to hang out it was usually over food. Of course any time we hung out with friends we were eating as well.
By the time we graduated my weight had crept up to about 160. I was now a size 12 and very unhappy.

I was whining one day about how fat I was and she said "I am tired of hearing about it. If you're that miserable do something about it but I don't want to hear about it anymore!" I was kind of mad but realized she was right. She was actually being a really good friend by smacking me in the face like that.
I am a little fuzzy on which program I was on first Prism or Weigh Down. I gained weight on weigh down and felt like a horrible Christian. But, I did lose on Prism. Take away anything tasty and that will happen.
By the time we moved to Tennessee I was back down to 150 pounds. Now in this time I had already had gall bladder surgery.
Only a few months after we moved to Tennessee I got pregnant. So any dieting aspirations went out the window. I was so sick I actually lost weight in my first trimester. After I had my Munchkin I was thrilled that I went right back down to 170 and thought I would lose the rest quickly. When I got pregnant again 15 months later I was still at 170. When that Monkey came along I topped the scale at right around 200 pounds. I wasn't happy about it but thought it would go away like the first did. The weight did not melt off this time.
I had an emergency C-section with my 2nd child and it took a lot longer to heal. I did some Pilate's with friend and I am fairly certain I overextended what I should have been doing at that point. It is now 4 years later I my stomach muscles have not fully recovered.

I am still tipping the scales at 203.5. That SUCKS!
It sucks because I do not want to pass my crappy eating and lifestyle on to my kids. It sucks because I don't want to get out and hike or play tennis or walk. It also sucks because I have been walking our dog at least two miles several times a week and just keep going up.

I am tired of being the fat girl and hearing my skinny friends talk about how fat they are. I am tired of feeling like people are talking about how fat I am even though I am sure everyone has better things to talk about than how I got so fat.
It sucks because my clothes do not fit right. I have size 16 jeans that are too tight and size 18 that are falling off. That is the only pair I have bought because I refuse to buy anything bigger.

I feel like I have to do this all alone. I don't have support and really I want someone else to do it for me. I can' t afford any kind of program or the gym and frankly I would probably lie to the person weighing me and tell them their program wasn't working for some reason.

I probably sound like a complete headcase.
I want my children to be active and healthy. To not worry about what they are putting in their mouths all of the time and not to have to worry about their weight.
I want to be able to wear cute clothes and cute jeans. Not big ol fatty jeans.
I want to go out with friends and not always be the fat girl in the group.

Ugh. So here is the thing. I want to lose 20 pounds by Thanksgiving. Think I can do it? I have all the head knowledge I just really have to put it into practice. That is 14 weeks away. 2 pounds a week is healthy right? That would take me down to 183.5 and probably make me comfortable in my size 16s again.

Ok. Off to sparkpeople.com to look at menus and figure out how to lose 20 pounds.